I Only Scream In My Sleep
by pokeitlikejello
Summary: We all know Meredith is dark and twisty. This fic gives some background to Meredith's dark and twisty teen self as it mixes and influences her present. A short, will be four chapter, fic taking place in the present and using flashback.
1. Pretend It's A Game

This entire fic will take place in four chapters with each chapter containing a flashback, just to give a heads up. It's set in early-esqu intern year, but you'll get the basic time frame through dialogue. Izzie, George, and Meredith living together is basic important information. I don't own any of the Grey's characters. Tragic, but true. So enjoy me playing with them! And I do appreciate feedback ;-) Thanks for reading!

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Eyes close. Eyes open. Inhale. Exhale. Eyes close. Head back. Eyes open. Reach for bottle. Miss bottle. Draw eyebrows together in confusion. Inhale.

"Mer... Meredith."

Meredith picked her head up to see Izzie standing in the kitchen doorway in an over sized R.E.M. t-shirt and Snoopy underwear. Izzie, arms folded across her chest, walked to the kitchen table and sat down next to Meredith. Meredith smiled, scrunching her nose up.

"Hi." Meredith greeted, quite tipsy.

Izzie stared at Meredith, quite serious, "Meredith, you're drinking alone. At two in the morning. Alcoholics do that."

Meredith laughed, but then stopped herself, realizing how serious Izzie was. Meredith shook her head, "No. I... I, um... never mind."

"Meredith, what are you doing?" Izzie asked.

"Do you know when I started drinking?" Meredith asked, becoming completely serious, but still slurring a few of her words, "I was fifteen. I thought it was a good idea, you know? I stopped after a while, but I started again by the time I was going to college. My liver probably hates me."

"Why don't we get you to bed?" Izzie suggested and helped Meredith stand without waiting for a response from her.

"You're a good friend." Meredith repeated over and over as Izzie made sure Meredith made it up the stairs and into her bedroom.

Izzie led Meredith to bed and helped her get under the covers. Meredith grinned

"You have a beagle on your underwear." Meredith giggled.

"Meredith, go to sleep." Izzie replied, shaking her head slightly.

Meredith gave a nod, "Okay."

Izzie turned off Meredith's bedroom light and left, shutting the door behind her. Meredith closed her eyes, taking a deep breath and realizing how tired she was. She began to drift off.

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She didn't particularly like the taste, but she drank it down anyway, letting it burn. She waited a moment, debating another swig, and placed the bottle to her lips. She sucked the clear liquid in and swallowed, following it up with a shudder and a cough. The bottle clanked as she set it on the coffee table.

A fifteen year old Meredith flopped back on the couch, letting the alcohol settle in her stomach and spread a tingling sensation throughout her body. Her bright pink streaked hair fell across her black eyeliner and mascara masked eyes. She was _tired_.

Keys jangled outside the front door. Meredith sat up straight in the darkness as her mother swung open the door to their apartment in Boston.

Ellis entered her home, exhausted after working a sixteen hour shift. She set her bag down next to the door and began to take her coat off. With a sigh, she hung her coat on the rack next to the door. She turned to go upstairs when she saw the moonlight hitting a bottle of vodka sitting on the coffee table. Ellis stopped.

"Meredith." Ellis spoke slowly, coldly, as she walked into the living room.

Meredith closed her eyes at the sound of her name. Her mother's voice dripped with disappointment. It always did. Meredith opened her eyes and stood, a bit off balance, and locked eyes with Ellis.

Ellis held Meredith's gaze, "What are you doing?"

"Nothing." Meredith replied, bitterly.

Ellis cocked her head to the side, "Don't lie to me, Meredith." Ellis picked up the vodka bottle and held it up to Meredith's face, "What are you doing with _this_?"

"Like you care." Meredith walked past her mother, heading towards the staircase.

Ellis turned around, crossing her arms across her chest, watching Meredith walk away, "I will not chase you."

Meredith reached the staircase and began up them. She held onto the railing, knowing the alcohol made her unsteady.

"Meredith, come back here right now." Ellis commanded, raising her voice.

Meredith reached the second floor and paused, hearing her mother crossing to the stairs. Meredith smiled to herself, knowing the ball was currently in her court in this game of control. As Ellis came up the stairs, Meredith walked slowly down the hall to her bedroom.

"Meredith, stop." Ellis said as she reached the hallway.

Meredith stopped and turned around, giving her mother the chance to take the ball, which made the game more fun.

"Yes?" Meredith again locked eyes with Ellis.

"I want an explanation." Ellis waited a moment and then raised her voice almost to a shout, "Now!"

"You want an explanation?" Meredith repeated, anger and alcohol causing her cheeks to flush, "I want an explanation. How about where the hell were you?"

"I will not let you speak to me this way, Meredith." Ellis approached her daughter quickly, "I am your mother. And I was at the hospital, earning money so I can afford this home and your clothes and your school."

"Oh, so you working so much is my fault?" Meredith asked, placing her hands on her hips.

Ellis shook her head, "That's not what I meant."

"That's what you said." Meredith retorted.

"This isn't about me and my job, Meredith!" Ellis exclaimed, "This is about you stealing alcohol. What do you think you're doing?"

Ellis waited for a response, but Meredith kept her mouth closed.

"I want an answer." Ellis was becoming impatient.

"Well, you're not going to get one." Meredith replied, with attitude.

"You will give me an answer, Meredith." Ellis said, sternly.

"And if I don't?" Meredith asked, "What will you do to me then?" Meredith waited, but Ellis did not reply, "That's what I thought."

Meredith turned away from her mother and entered her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.


	2. Rain, Rain, Rain Came Down, Down, Down

Meredith opened her eyes, groggily. She rolled over, wanting to fall back asleep, but knew that she wouldn't be able to. After resting a few moments, she threw off her covers and climbed out of bed. Her head throbbed a little and her mouth tasted fuzzy. She stumbled into the bathroom, popped a few tylenol, and brushed her teeth.

The sun was shining as Meredith made her way down the staircase. She could hear voices from the kitchen. She stopped in the doorway to the kitchen. Izzie was at the stove, wearing a bathrobe over the previous night's attire, and making blueberry pancakes. George, fully dressed, was sitting at the kitchen table with a mug of coffee.

"Hey, Meredith." he greeted and pointed to the coffee machine, "There's coffee."

"How are you feeling?" Izzie asked, a little harsher than she had planned as she flipped over the pancakes.

"Are you sick?" George asked, cocking his head slightly as Meredith shuffled towards the coffee machine.

"She's hung over." Izzie replied.

"You're hung over?" George repeated, a little playfully.

"I'm not hung over." Meredith poured herself a cup of coffee, her voice scratchy.

"She was drinking alone." Izzie clarified as she slapped three pancakes on a plate.

"Alone?" George was staring at Meredith, confused now.

"Thanks, Iz." Meredith told Izzie sarcastically, plopping herself at the kitchen table.

"That doesn't sound like much fun." George said, "Why were you drinking alone?"

Izzie set down the plate of pancakes in front of George. She looked at Meredith.

"Want any?" Izzie asked, spatula poised.

"No." Meredith answered, grumpily, and turned back to George, "Maybe I like drinking alone."

"Isn't that a warning sign of alcohol abuse or something?" George questioned with a partial smile to make his statement less awkward.

Meredith set her mug of coffee down, looking at George, "Yeah... well... you got Syphilis," she turned to Izzie, "And you... you're like freakin' Betty Crocker Martha Stewart so I don't want to hear it."

Meredith stood, quite defiantly, and exited the kitchen. She walked up the stairs quickly and entered the bathroom, slamming her door behind her loud enough for George and Izzie to hear. Refusing to look at her reflection, she stripped off her clothes and climbed into the shower. She turned the water on and closed her eyes, letting the water cover her, massage her, and calm her.

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The water pelted the windows. She liked to watch the droplets run down the glass as the car wove through the city streets. The water and the speed of the car blurred her surroundings, which eased her in a chaotic sort of way. She identified with the unclear, vague, and dismal display the world exhibited when wet.

Ellis was driving and Meredith had been barely saying more than ten words a day since the alcohol encounter a week ago. Yet, being only fifteen, Meredith still obeyed when her mother commanded her to get in the car because they were going somewhere, to which Ellis would not say, and Meredith certainly wasn't going to ask.

As they drove out of the city, Meredith began to get worried about their destination. Ellis never traveled too far from the hospital because she was almost always on call when she wasn't scheduled to work. Meredith was quite certain her mother was up to something.

After a half hour of driving, Ellis approached a large, white, four story building. Meredith didn't like the sight of it. Instead of pulling into the parking lot, Ellis parked next to the curb outside of the entrance. Meredith could see a sign out front, but the rain made it hard to read. She looked at Ellis.

"Where are we?" Meredith asked, her nerves getting the better of her and making her break the silence she had started since six thirty two the previous night.

"If you won't talk to me, I'm taking you to see someone you will talk to." Ellis replied.

"Excuse me?" Meredith had many options of people running through her mind, including her father.

"Dr. Franklin is a friend of mine." Ellis explained, "She's been a therapist for twelve years now. She's very good."

"You're kidding." Meredith said, her mouth remaining open.

Ellis pursed her lips, "Does it look like I'm kidding?"

Meredith looked over her mother's face and realized that she didn't even need to look at her mother to know she wasn't kidding. If Ellis would travel forty five minutes from the hospital, then she was definitely _not_ kidding. Meredith crossed her arms.

"I'm not going." she shook her head.

"You are." Ellis replied, "You need to talk to someone, even if it's not me."

Meredith turned her head away from her mother, "I'm not going in."

"Fine." Ellis gave a nod, opened her car door, and left, being sure to take the car keys with her.

Meredith watched Ellis walk through the rain and into the building. For a moment, Meredith thought this might actually be a good idea, but since it was her mother's idea, that thought ran out of her mind. When Ellis emerged from the building followed by another woman, Meredith began to feel sick.

The other woman, wearing a skirt and top, opened the driver's side door and sat in the car. Ellis remained on the sidewalk under an awning so she wouldn't get wet. The woman's dark hair was dripping with water. She smiled and Meredith half wanted to smile, but remembered this was a friend of her mother's and the idea of smiling vanished as well.

"I'm Dr. Franklin." the woman greeted warmly, extending a hand, which Meredith stared at. Dr. Franklin lowered her hand, "Your mother told me your going through some problems right now."

"I bet she has." Meredith said with a sigh.

"You say that with such disdain." Dr. Franklin commented, "Why is that?"

"I'm not talking to you." Meredith shook her head, "My _mother_ brought me here and I don't want to be _here_."

"We don't have to talk about anything specific, Meredith." Dr. Franklin said, "We can talk about simple things. What's your favorite subject in school?"

Meredith turned away from Dr. Franklin and stared at her mother, who was watching her in the car. Meredith could sense the disappointed from fifteen feet away.

"Meredith?" Dr. Franklin asked.

"You're wasting your time." Meredith looked at Dr. Franklin, "I'm not going to talk to you."

Dr. Franklin nodded, "Okay. But, if you ever want to talk to me, here's a card with my number on it. You can call any time."

Dr. Franklin extended a small, white card. Meredith turned away. Dr. Franklin set the card down on Meredith's leg and then exited the car, walking back to Ellis. Meredith wiped the card from her leg, letting it fall on the floor. Ellis walked back to the car and got in, quickly, her hair matted down by the rain.

"Thank you, Meredith." Ellis spat, putting the key in the ignition and turning the car on, "I'm trying to _help_ you."

"I don't need help." Meredith replied with much hostility.

"Of course you don't." Ellis replied airily with a shrug of her shoulders, a tone Meredith hated more than when her mother was angry, "Of course you're not embarrassed by your own behavior. Of course you don't need help. You're Meredith Grey."


	3. Your Words Are Scars On My Soul

Meredith leaned against the door frame to the living room. Izzie was staring at the television as she sat on the couch, her hands working yarn and knitting it into a pink scarf. Izzie glanced over at Meredith and then back at the television.

"Hey." Izzie greeted, nonchalantly.

Meredith remained in the doorway, debating entering, then walked slowly over to the couch and sat down next to Izzie. The television was playing a rerun of The Cosby Show. Meredith watched it for a few minutes and then looked at Izzie.

"George at the hospital?" Meredith asked, already knowing that he was.

"Yeah." Izzie answered, concentrating on her knitting, "I have to be there in three hours."

"Izzie, look at me." Meredith commanded.

Izzie stared at the laughing television. When the show faded and a loud commercial began, Izzie looked over at Meredith.

"You don't have to worry about me, Iz." Meredith said, sincerely, "I'm all right. Really."

Izzie waited a moment, "Are you trying to convince me or yourself?"

Izzie stood from the couch with her arms full of her knitting and headed towards the hall.

"Izzie..." Meredith's tone dropped, signaling her hurt.

Izzie stopped and spun around.

"Look, Meredith, if you want to drink, then drink. I'm not trying to tell you what you should and shouldn't do." Izzie paused, trying to find her words. She sighed, "I just... I can't watch you do this to yourself and I worry that you're about to fall, to crash, to reach the end of... wherever you're going. I just worry, okay?"

Meredith wasn't sure what her best reply was. She never had a friend voice these concerns and speak so outright with her before. Meredith nodded, "Okay."

Izzie gave a slight nod. She went to leave, stopped, and walked back to the couch. Izzie sat down and began knitting just as the show came back on.

"I, um, wanted to run some errands, pick up some groceries." Meredith stood, "Do you need anything?"

Izzie looked at Meredith and gave a small smile, "No, but thanks."

"I'll see you later, then." Meredith said, slightly awkward as she made her way to the front door.

"Yes, see you later." Izzie replied.

Meredith reached into her pocket and pulled out her car keys as she walked towards the door. She placed her hand on the door knob and prepared herself for the bright sun outside.

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She opened the door slowly and listened. Quiet. The hallway was dark, but a patch of light spilled from under her mother's closed bedroom door.

Creeping on tip toes, Meredith made her way down the hallway, careful about where she stepped so she wouldn't make the wood creak beneath her. Upon reaching her mother's bedroom, Meredith could hear Ellis talking on the phone, quite angrily. Meredith leaned her back against the wall and crouched down.

Ellis was sitting on her bed, dressed in her scrubs, a phone up to her ear. Her shoulders were hunched in exhaustion.

"I am just at my wit's end." Ellis was saying into the phone, "I don't know what I'm going to do with her."

Meredith knew Ellis was talking about her. Ellis stood and walked to her dresser, taking her watch off. She set it on the dresser.

"She started with all those black clothes and I thought 'you know, she's a teenager. Rebellion is number one priority.'" Ellis looked at her stern reflection in the mirror and then turned away quickly, "Then, she dyed her hair with that awful pink and I let that go, too. But, now I think I let her get away with too much. I don't even know what my next step should be, Em, I really don't."

Meredith banged her head back on the wall, ignoring the pain. Ellis was talking with her sister, Emily. Meredith loved her Aunt Emily, especially when Meredith would visit her for a week in the summer. But, Meredith only saw her aunt at Christmases now because Ellis stopped making time for them to go in the summer. Meredith really didn't want her aunt involved in this.

"If you were here, you'd see it, Emily." Ellis crossed to her bed and sat back down, "She stays out late with friends I don't know, I caught her drinking, and she smells of cigarettes. For all I know, she's out somewhere now roaming the streets."

Meredith wanted to bang her head on the wall again, but didn't because she thought her mother might hear it, which would cause her to come into the hall and know Meredith was eavesdropping on the conversation.

"I know, I know." Ellis was replying to her sister, "But, she's not the same. And she doesn't seem to care about what's good for her. I'm just sick of it, Emily, I really am. It's bad enough working those long hours and dealing with that stress, but then I have to deal with Meredith."

A beeping interrupted the conversation. Ellis reached into her purse and pulled out her pager. She sighed and sat down on the bed. She slid her sneakers on.

"I gotta go, Em." Ellis said into the phone, "The hospital paged. I'll call you tomorrow when I get a chance... Yes... Bye."

Ellis hung up the cordless phone and stood. She slid her jacket on and picked up her purse. She left her room, looked to Meredith's room, and then headed down the stairs and out of the house.

Meredith, tears running down her face, stood in the bathroom with the lights off. When she heard Ellis saying goodbye, Meredith dashed into the bathroom as she cried and then watched her mother leave.

The words Ellis had spoken hurt Meredith. Meredith didn't know how to make things better for herself or for her mother, which frustrated her. She wished she could be better so that her mother wouldn't have to complain about her or lie to her to take her to some therapist that she didn't want to go to. She just wished her relationship with her mother wasn't such a mess. Not knowing what else she could do, Meredith stood in the dark and let her tears fall.


	4. A Resolution For The Poor

Her mother looked beautiful. Meredith couldn't help but notice Ellis's delicate features, which stood out against the light from the window. Ellis was seated in the nursing home, perched tall on the edge of the chair, one hand under her chin, and staring out the window. A far away look in her eyes softened the textures of Ellis's face, replacing the stern face Ellis usually showed the world. Meredith was leaning against the door frame to the large room which her mother and a few other residents occupied.

It bothered Meredith to visit her mother. Ellis usually didn't recognize Meredith, which hurt. It wasn't the fact that Ellis didn't know Meredith, but rather that Ellis would never be able to ever really know Meredith. Meredith had always hoped that once she straightened herself out, she would be able to show her mother that she was not everything bad Ellis assumed she was. Now, Meredith knew, she would never have the chance to prove herself to her mother.

"Meredith."

Meredith turned around to see Nurse Judy, the head nurse who worked closely with the Alzheimer's patients. Nurse Judy smiled brightly, which severely irritated Meredith, who forced her mouth into something that resembled a smile.

"You should go in and talk with her." Nurse Judy said with a small nod in a gentle voice.

"What's the point?" Meredith asked, looking back at her mother, "She doesn't know who I am anyway."

"Maybe not." Nurse Judy agreed, stepping in line with Meredith, "But, she does enjoy guests."

"Right." Meredith gave a short nod and forced her legs to move into the room. When she reached her mother, she pulled a chair over and sat across from her, "Hi."

Ellis did not respond at first, but then looked over, "Hello."

Meredith didn't smile and neither did Ellis. Ellis looked out the window again and Meredith looked over at the doorway, relieved that Nurse Judy had left. She didn't like to feel forced into talking to her own mother. Meredith looked back at Ellis.

"How are you?" Meredith asked.

Ellis sighed in response. Meredith nodded, slowly and looked around. She wanted to stand up and leave. It wasn't that she didn't want to be there ever, but she just didn't feel like being there _today_. However, for some reason, after Meredith was finished running her errands she found herself at this facility and inside the doors before she had second thoughts about it.

Ellis suddenly turned to Meredith, her stern face returned, "Are you a nurse?"

Meredith shook her head, "No."

"Well, then, what is your name?" Ellis asked, crisply.

"Meredith." Meredith answered, being sure to make eye contact.

Ellis's face softened once more, "My daughter's name is Meredith."

"That's me, Mom." Meredith replied.

"No, Meredith is just a little girl." Ellis said, annoyed.

"Okay." Meredith agreed, then became quiet.

Ellis looked out the window again. Meredith waited. She waited to think of something to say, or for her mother to start talking, or for some excuse to leave. Meredith counted to a hundred in her head and turned to her mother about to say her goodbyes when she saw that Ellis had that far away look again.

"Do you know what would be nice?" Ellis looked at Meredith.

"What?" Meredith asked softly, not wanting to startle and chase away whatever it was that made Ellis relaxed.

"It would be nice to take Meredith to the beach." Ellis nodded slightly, "She would love the beach. I should take a vacation."

Meredith thought of the time when her mother took her to the beach when she was seven. That week was one of the happiest times in her life and she remembered how her mother had even been happy, complete with a genuine smile on her face. Meredith vowed to find the pictures of the trip when she returned home.

Meredith smiled at Ellis, "That would be very nice."

Ellis smiled back and then looked out the window, the smile fading. The beach memory being so unexpected and slightly painful as it fell into place between bad memories in Meredith's life, made Meredith stand from the chair and back away slowly. She didn't offer a goodbye, but left quickly, blowing past Nurse Judy on the way out. She left her empty chair across from her mother and burst out of the facility.

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Meredith stumbled into the apartment in Boston. She held back a giggle, feeling giddy from the alcohol she had consumed at a friend's house. Ellis had left her alone in the middle of the night for the third time that week, so Meredith decided she would leave as well. After all, she didn't like to be by herself in the apartment.

The hallway light turned on. Meredith looked to the stairs, her smile vanishing from her face. Ellis stood at the bottom of the staircase, in her pajamas, arms folded across her chest.

"Good. You're not dead." Ellis spat, "Goodnight."

Ellis turned around and began up the staircase. Meredith's eyes filled with tears she wouldn't let fall caused by her mother's harshness. Meredith began towards the staircase.

"Aren't you going to bitch?" Meredith asked and then sneered, "Or are you going to call Aunt Emily and bitch to her like last week?"

"No." Ellis answered, airily.

"Don't you even care?!" Meredith practically screamed, the tears making their way down her face.

Ellis stopped. She took a deep breath and turned around. Slowly, she walked down a few steps. Meredith stood at the bottom of the staircase, looking up at Ellis, desperately.

"Of course I care, Meredith." Ellis said, failing at keeping anger out of her voice, "But, I can't follow you around. I can't lock you up in your bedroom. And I certainly can't seem to keep you from destroying yourself. You don't want my help, Meredith. At this point in time, I wouldn't even know how to help you."

"Help me?" Meredith repeated, "How can you help me, Mom?! You don't even know me!"

Ellis made her way down the stairs until she reached the bottom. She stood in the hall, directly in front of Meredith, not backing down.

"I know you, Meredith." Ellis replied, "Just like I know it's three a.m. on a school night. Just like I know you smell like cigarettes and pot. Just like I know you're intoxicated right now. I know who you are and I know what you're doing. I just don't know how to help you anymore."

With that, Ellis made her way back up the stairs. Meredith's tears stopped. She shook her head.

"You keep talking about helping me." Meredith said, "You don't even see me."

Ellis turned around, halfway up the stairs. She opened her mouth in a slight smile in a moment of surprise and shock at Meredith's words that turned into anger.

"Oh, I see you, Meredith." Ellis nodded, her voice harsh, "I see the mess you are making of yourself."

"No, Mom!" Meredith retorted, "You see a problem that needs to be fixed! I'm not your patient! I'm not your complicated surgery! I'm not something you can solve by assessing me and cutting me open. All you see is the symptoms, but nothing and no one behind them. You don't see _me_!"

Ellis stared for barely a second and then spoke softly, "Maybe I never will."

Ellis turned around and continued up the stairs and to her bedroom. She took Meredith's words in, but at the moment, was unable to express the emotion or correct response she felt was truly necessary to address the sensitivity of all that Meredith had said. Ellis hoped, one day, she would be able to give Meredith the type of response that she deserved to receive from a mother.

Meredith remained perfectly still. She didn't bother crying. She hadn't truly expected anything else to happen. This was familiar to her. Meredith, uncertain of herself, or anything for that matter, was left alone once again.

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Fin.

Thank you for all that read! I know the chapters were short, but I thought snippets were most effective. I plan on doing some similar flashback stories with other characters. I already have plans for a Cristina one and an Alex one, so stay on the lookout for them.


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